Vicious Cycle

Have you ever been on a ride at an amusement park that just seems like it will never end? That is what I am feeling like right now with this cancer journey. We seem to go round and round over and over and it never seems to end. So here we are again with testing time and I wasn’t even going to worry about what was to come; however, it was as though I was hit with a brick straight in my face again. The latest ultrasound shows yet another pesky suspicious nodule on the same side as the existing nodule that they can’t get to. It appears to be too small at this point so now we wait until it grows big enough that my surgeon feels he can make an attempt to remove it. Even when Dr. Song was explaining this all to me, I didn’t quite absorb it until after I was halfway home from Denver. I just wasn’t myself as I have been battling this nasty bronchitis the last two months and was feeling just downright crappy. This has also caused my asthma to kick into overdrive and so I’ve been having a difficult time with wheezing which they’ve had to put me on more than one inhaler. Now it seems that I also have another sinus infection on top of it as well. I am hoping that this next round of antibiotics kicks this crap to the curb once and for all. My immune system is seriously messed up big time and it’s seems to be harder for my body to fight of these infections!

With the amount of coughing I’ve been doing and how long it’s been going on the thoughts always keep racing in my mind – has the cancer spread to my lungs as well? That has always been one of my biggest fears that I am going to get mets to other areas of my body. Luckily, my tumor markers are stable and not showing signs of an increase which is a good sign. I guess I will take that as a positive step forward. I was really hoping to get on a yearly follow-up schedule, but it’s not in the cards for me and so I guess I need to be watched a little more closely. I know that many of my thyca friends are facing similar situations and it’s always great to know that you don’t have to go through this alone. To know that there are others out there who truly understand what you are going through with the anxiety, the fears, the ups and downs of trying to get your levels right and feeling good. They understand because they are walking those same pathways as you are.

Although us thyca survivors have to experience this vicious, seemingly never ending cycle as you never know when the cancer is going to strike back which is why continuous lifetime monitoring is so necessary. Even with these never-ending challenges I am greatly reminded to stay strong and be courageous and the following scripture quote reminds me of that. I know that I am never alone and although at times I wonder whether God is with me during these dark moments, but deep down I know he’s there. Even though it is difficult to feel his presence at certain times in our life, we have to take that leap of faith and trust in His infinite wisdom – there is a reason for all of this.

Strong and of Good Courage

 

I just have to remember that what doesn’t kill me makes me a stronger person because of it. This cancer has nothing on me; the minute I give the enemy the upper hand and make it believe it will beat me that’s when it wins this war and that simply CANNOT happen! Nevertheless, I would love to get off this cancer ride, but I guess I would rather take this ride with all its twists and turns, than to have the ride of life stop altogether. So I just have to keep pushing forward and do the best with the circumstances I’ve been given – to keep calm and just keep swimming!

 

What doesn't kill you

 

 

Tribute to a Warrior

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People may come and go throughout our lives, but there are those few people that touch our lives in such a way like no other; those extra special stars that put a stamp on our heart so deeply and we are never the same. One such unique individual that I have met through the online cancer support group forums is a wonderful man named Rob Bohning.  As many can attest, the influence this man has had on so many people as he has shared his own journey with Thyroid Cancer, as he has been there to inspire and uplift others in their good days and especially during their darkest of moments with this disease. Despite the many difficulties he was going through himself, Rob’s thoughts always seemed to be towards his fellow thyroid cancer survivors and what he could do to help them. He was the leader of the pack and truly the “one” who always put others needs ahead of his own.

So what exactly defines a cancer warrior? I think that all who are touched by cancer in one way or another are warriors, whether you are the one going through it, family members, friends and even the doctors themselves trying to battle this beast of a disease that sometimes seems to have no end. The struggles of these brave souls are many with what cancer puts them through both physically and emotionally. Those going through cancer each have a story to tell. Although every journey is different, cancer survivors have such a common bond in relating to one another and being able to support each other in this fight, which is why support groups are so important.

I met Rob through the Light of Light Foundation Facebook support group. Through these online forums I have been able to gain more knowledge and understanding about thyroid cancer and its effects. As I have mentioned in previous blog posts for the first year after my diagnosis I felt like a little lost puppy not knowing how to navigate my way through this disease. However, when I stumbled upon these online support groups I felt as though a weight was somehow lifted and that I could see a light at the end of the tunnel after all. The knowledge gained through these forums has taught me what questions I need to be asking my doctors and the skills necessary in learning how to advocate for myself. I am truly grateful that I have been able to have that support from someone who gets it as they are living through it and walking in similar shoes.  I have been able to develop many lasting friendships with those in the online support groups; although I have never met many of these people in person we are uniquely bonded together by similar circumstances.

With that being said what I want to do with this blog post is to pay tribute to one of these true warriors who has had such an impact on me as I have traveled this path. Unfortunately, Rob lost his very lengthy battle with Thyroid Cancer. He always shared his wisdom and honesty and was always straight forward about it. I think what I loved most about Rob is his testimony and faith in God. He was a man of enduring faith and was an instrument in God’s hand spreading his message of love and hope even amidst the darkness that this disease can put on a person. Here are a few lines of what Rob spoke about in our discussions that I want to share as they have such great meaning to me and are pretty powerful.

“Cancer is a hard diagnosis. But many have lived with it as a chronic illness for years. Even a stage 4 diagnosis is not a death sentence. ( I really thought that I did receive a death sentence with my Stage 4 diagnosis, but Rob has taught me to see things in a different light)

“I will tell you that fighting cancer begins in the mind. If you lose the mental battle with it, your body won’t be far behind. So wake up each day and be determined to live your life to the fullest.. and choose to beat it. I know there are bad days of pain, new things that pop up, and new things that can worry you every single day with this cancer. But take it a day at a time, and do not let it control your life. Remember, you have cancer, it does not have you.”

“ I do what I always do–I choose to pray. I know this battle ultimately resides with God. It’s His to fight in the end. All of us are merely renting these bodies and they will all break down over time………

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says:” there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens”

If you are in a healthy season, enjoy every minute of it. If you are not healthy, embrace that too. Because in these deep furnaces of affliction, God will infuse you with iron and you will be able to withstand anything. “

“It matters when you are put into the fire, because it withstands despite the heat. So embrace your sufferings if you can.. you will learn the most during this time about yourself, and God does His most precious works in you when you are being refined in the fire.”

 

One other amazing quality that Rob had was his talent and passion with photography and here are a few pictures of how he captured nature’s beauty. The first is a favorite of mine and words that I now live by which Rob taught me.

 

Rob

 

 

 

 

 

Every season

Be Still

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sunrise

 

Pier

 

 

 

 

 

Rob would often speak about the things that just stick with you forever and how serving in the Marine Corps helped to prepare himself to have the fight and attitude to win the battles of life. Without a doubt those marine experiences did prepare him for this war and battle with cancer.

 

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Another important quality that Rob demonstrated was the deep love he expressed for his wife and beautiful children. It was very obvious in the way that he spoke of them and proudly shared pictures of them with us. He taught his children well and I was so impressed when his son Andrew, wanted to do his part in helping his dad fight this disease when he did a triathlon last year to raise funds for research and had raised over $7000. The apple surely doesn’t fall far from the tree there. The impact of one small little boys’ wish was great and I am sure that Andrew is going to do great things and make an impact on the world, just as his dad has.

Rob was there for others sharing his love for God and his testimony of faith through his actions. Here is a short clip of of how he shared his cancer journey and his faith which was done about a year  ago and and I will let this video speak for itself.

 

One song that comes to my mind when I think of Rob is by Kutless entititled “Even If” which is a video with lyrics that I want to share:

 

 

Although the healing just did not quite come for Rob and yet in the midst of all the suffering he went through, he still knew who God was and chose to have gratitude even with the trials and challenges he was facing. He was one extraordinary man teaching others what it means to endure to the end.

It just seems so surreal and I can’t believe I will not be able to have conversations with Rob again. He was there providing such wise words of wisdom and I could always count on Rob to lift me up  and give me encouragement when I was feeling down. The ThyCa community has been greatly affected by loss of this amazing individual and his death is greatly felt among us.

I look forward to the day, as do many others when we can see and talk with Rob on the other side to tell him face to face just how much he influenced our lives. Rob was such a true warrior in every sense of the word and fought this fight to the finish; this brave soul may be gone, but he will never be forgotten!

gone-but-never-forgotten